I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
