I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
