So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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