just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
