I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
