What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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