Old men and throwing up are my life now.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
