she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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