My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
