my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
