well I can't set my house on fire every night
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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