I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
