You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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