I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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