Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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