either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
