She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
