My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
