Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize