Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
