he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
