why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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