i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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