I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
