I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize