Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
The best revenge is premature balding
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize