WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
