my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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