I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize