Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
