Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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