What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize