i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
