I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
