Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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