If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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