college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I'm always down for nudity.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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