Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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