I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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