Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
