I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
