im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
