I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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third nipple confirmed
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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