One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize