I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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