This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
