my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
