Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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