good thing vaginas are great cup holders
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
