Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
