yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
