To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
