her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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