Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
