I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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