So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
