I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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