It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
