Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
