K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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